AN OPEN LETTER TO SAM DALEMBERT (by L. Boom)

Dear Slammin,

We've got an important season coming up. As you may have heard, we've signed a power forward by the name of Elton Brand. He's good at playing the game of basketball - so good in fact, that assuming we can resign Andre Iguadala, our Sixers team has a chance to win the east and compete for an NBA title. Sammy, listen to me, when someone passes you the ball this year, pause for a second and repeat thefollowing: "I am not Mark Price." I know you sometimes think that you are Mark Price...or Reggie Miller, or Jerry West or some other sharpshooting two guard trapped inside the body of a seven foot Haitian man, but you most certainly are not. What you are is an athletic center who can rebound and block shots. And that's all we need you to do this year - play D. I've talked with Stefanski and he agrees. In fact, he's willing to give you a salary bonus every time you score under 10 points. Sam, it's simple - you need to come to terms with the fact that you're a crappy role player. Most importantly, you need to stop shooting. Stop shooting stop shooting stop stop shooting shooting stop shooting STOP SHOOOOOOOOOTING THE BALL!!! And please shave your mohawk prior to training camp.

Your Friend,

The city of Philadelphia